I don’t love you Mumma

Mummy I don’t love you…. Said daughter. 

Wait …(thinking) What?! … Have I just heard right? I had you growing in me for nine months . I was prodded and pulled, contracted and cut, investigated and swollen, dilated and stitched up… I’ve had no sleep for years and sucked on till I bled! So really did I hear right? No, surely not. Someone once gave me the analogy that breastfeeding through cracked nipples feels like six hooks tide to your nipple& breast, attached to a bus and then pulled! And you telling me you don’t love me? ?? ….

Now here is a moment that only a revelation can make better or else I’m going into the garden to eat some worms. 
We are taught our whole life to not be offended by people and somehow we managed to do that, to avoid the offence. But when you have sacrificed so much; carried a child for so long and given up a whole lot to give this child safe securehome and  environment for them to say I don’t love you it’s kind of a harsh thing. Stab, kill my heart and leave me to die, slowly & painfully…

There had to be away where I didn’t feel hurt and there had to be a way that I can show her love back . Oh did I say she also said, at another time of reinforcing she doesn’t love me I’m ‘yukkie’ . Yukkie means gross right?! I was broken, I’m being totally honest. 

So I pondered…

And It made me realise how Jesus felt for us what God felt for us. God made this paradise to live in and gave us one thing not to do but we did it anyway & implications of that caused us to have shame and hurt and be aware of the evil and the good.

However He gave us  the whole pregnancy thing he gave us the whole birthing thing. Then the pain and the hurt where I  cried out please take this away from me. But in actual fact God did, He sent his son to take all the pain away for us so that we can be free . But hear me out, don’t loose me here…

Now imagine someone said to you when you are pregnant Let me carry the baby for you let me take that pain away. Imagine it’s a dreadful pregnancy that was hard and difficult or sore or maybe like me was amazing but the birth and after was haaarrddd.  What if they said let me push it out and tear myself, bleed and take the pain. Let me do the sleepless night’s and the cracked nipples so that you can have freedom. But then how do you receive that, you say I don’t love you…

The truth is God has done that for us in a heartbeat but we have to come to the table. Gods done it already. Once for all. For all! And it made me realise that Hannah is also ignorant and young whose emotions are fleeting. She wants what is fun & what makes her feel good she doesn’t quite understand and have the maturity yet.

We however are adults and we do understand the concept of feelings love sacrifice hope freedom? But maybe you don’t understand how we get freedom from God? 

If that’s so, I encourage you to start asking questions. Because you can’t rule out the depth of love that Jesus has. He did too much to show us how much He really cared. 

He took all the pain from us. And the shame. He gave us grace and he gave us wisdom. But He is also Oh So Real– He gave us a choice. To choose him. When you cry out 

Take the pain away

Then that’s all He wants to do. But we say… Even after He took on the blood of this world ; 

I don’t love you 

Wow. Sucker punch. In the gut.

Now maybe only a mom would understand what I’m trying to say. If you don’t please be patient with me. 

Giving birth I will not forget. It’s flippin sore. It’s down to the core sore. Theres no hero in it honestly that’s garbage. Just messy vulnerable exposure of the most horrific pain.  For me it’s beyond words. No words can describe it. Now after experiencing that for the very beautiful reason ( Hannah) to be telling me it was for no love towards me is pure anguish. 

How much more, as Jesus took the pain actually 1 million times worse than childbirth. So much so he sweated blood. Some say His Face was beyond recognizable…. Now. All that for us to say to Him, I do not love you.

Utter heartache. Gods jealousy for us His love for is so strong so BIG. How can we not say I love you Lord. I love you Jesus. I receive you God.

Yet even though we don’t say the above do you know what? He pursues us still. He never gives up. He will still love us and give us the same as to those who said they love Him.

Just as I will love my daughter even through her fleeting emotions, her selfish young mind at that time… And I dont love my son more because he didn’t ever say that to me. No, I love them the same. So is that for God. 

Man if only you could feel how much He loves you. I promise you, you would never turn from Him. His love is more real than you would ever experience… And He never gives up on you. I know. 

Those stories you hear whereby people are hurt by God… If you dig deeper into it you would realize it’s people, man, humans that hurt the person or it was them themselves that decided to turn. For whatever reason. Sometimes it’s our carnal mind that can’t understand but that’s why we need relationship with Him. So He can help us understand. But not ever , not once will it be God. 

The religious rubbish out there is a lie to the heart of Jesus. It’s an insult to His love to you. Rather try and trust your heart with His than the other people and the church. Because sometimes we get things wrong but God never, ever fails you. Ever.

Sit with Him. He’s eager to talk with you. And tell you How much He loves YOU.


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