Dignity + Cars

{written in 2016}

Ok my child is not sitting still, like not for a second. The doctor’s secretaries are looking at me as if I’ve brought in a monkey not a child . The grannies sitting there are starring at me, ashamed I’m not keeping my son in check!
I’m keeping my head down towards my unmanageable son & the numerous pages of paper work I need to fill in and I am trying to show Tate a picture in a book ‘look boy, a tractor!’ Broom broom friggin broom!!!!!!!!
Oh my gosh. I’m good mom I’m a good mom… You don’t understand. It’s not my son he’s just got sensory stuff going in his brain and can’t manage it all… Please stop starring at me.  At him! He’s a cool guy . He truly is a cool dude. Look he loves cars….

 Oh wait I never packed any cars! 

There it is “Mrs da Canha, you may go in now” …. Oh thank you Lord! I smile with sheer relief my stomach actually does a physical somersault I want to throw up. I realise I’m not going to be so tense anymore because I’ll be entering into a different room where perhaps Tate might be more controlled. 

Next scene:
Smash Grab Scream Poke, Face on floor (dirty doctors room floor!) Kicking Yelling

I say : “Oh my word is this real? Oh sorry Doctor did I say that out load ?”

She smiles.

Tate carries on. And on. And on.
Examination complete. Wow that was a fog. Quick head check : Did I ask everything?

Background noise : Crash Bang Yell Climb.

Now for my examination … Oh crumbs … How the hell am I going to accomplish that??? 

Conclusion: I accomplished it. I did. I’m crying as I sit here. It broke me. That doctors visit. It broke me as a mom, a person , as a human being. I’m confessing… But hell, I’m not alone right?!?! I resorted to utter spirit breaking exhausting last resort. The final flag. And it just came out my mouth. 

The only way I could get Tate to sit still while I got the doctor exam in a rash near my upper leg near my buttock was to say to Tate “Come boy come see moms bum!”

Ok … Well that was the only moment of pure silence. He sat, not by Moms bum, of course! … ( blush!!) But by my head and was still. Utterly still. For two seconds…. They felt like hours. Like time stood still.

Will I ever share this terrible post? 

I’m afraid I must. 

Rash near buttock embarrassment to who knows who around the world ; compared to utter pain in doctors room with an autistic sensory Seeker child and a new mom to it all

I’m afraid I can’t compare. 

The new mom to a SPD child was knocked over and has not recovered yet.

My rash & dignity however has.

And next time, I take cars….and no apologies. I’ve grown. 


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